Aquarian Weekly 4/20/05
REALITY CHECK

LAY OFF THE CATHOLICS

My favorite thing about this 24-hour harangue of televised and radio-addled news commentary and coverage is the hyping and lauding over an event until the marrow is sucked dry and then we're left with the inevitable backlash. We're experiencing this now with the passing of Pope John Paul II. I'm pretty sure the funeral is finally over. I could be wrong. It might still be going. Like Reagan's interminable send off these things seem to take on a life of their own like David Blaine living in a box for weeks.

But assuming they finally buried the Pope, after weeks and reams of praise and plaudits and tributes, we get the "The Pope Was A Misogynist!" "The Pope Turned A Blind Eye to Aids In Africa!" "The Catholic Church Is Atavistic Voodoo!" The Catholic Hierarchy Excuses And Harbors Known Pedophiles!" All predictable, and, I might add, asinine. Not nearly as asinine as claiming the Pope or Ronald Reagan's lunatic arms race or kids holding hands in a quilt or some such bullshit ended communism in eastern Europe.

All together now…

COMMUNISM IMPLODED BECAUSE THERE IS NO MONEY IN IT.

I have written that in this space more times than the "F" word, and man, that ain't a little.

You see what people don't get is that religion, specifically organized religion, and in the case of the Vatican, a major league powerful, billion-dollar world altering religion has to have strict - balls to the wall - dogma to exist. Some of it acts as a sound guideline. Some of it stinks with antiquity. Some of it is wacky. Some of it borders on sacred. The Catholics are silly with this stuff. Believe me, I was one. But it is not for us to deride. It is their deal, and the Pope, although this one was quite the traveler and commentator on world events and as progressive as Popes go, was the infallible mouthpiece for the church's dogma.

I dug this Pope, for the most part. His written apology stuck in Jerusalem's Western Wall for eons of anti-Semitic actions, murders, and other mayhem at the hands of the Roman Catholic charges is one of the most humbly sympathetic and mind-altering gestures performed by any human in the 20th century. And when he was shot by that crazy Turk, and then healed up and came back and hugged him. That was downright Jesus stuff. Not the Jesus Christ Jesus, but you know, the Jewish ascetic from Nazareth. Forget it.

Anyway, as far as Popes go, this one was brilliant, charismatic, and widely influential. But he's the friggin' Pope. The Catholic Church is NEVER going to allow women priests or advocate birth control or lean a little on the abortion issue, or sell their own priesthood - the backbone of the religion - down the river for a few deviant scum. It's like the mafia or the NYPD. They take care of their own.

I don't like to see a cardinal who shielded known pedophiles preside over a tribute mass for the Pope anymore than I like to see a murderer like Ted Kennedy as an acting senator or ex-cons like Ollie North hosting debate shows on cable. But, hey, it's their gig. I wash my hands of it, and whatever they want to do is fine with me.

This tidbit of angst came up last year when I got a ton of mail telling me I was being flippant about this gay Episcopal bishop issue. Remember that craziness? So I repeat: you want to be gay, use condoms, be a woman with equal rights to perform ceremonies, or get a pound of flesh for people diddling your kids, then go somewhere else. You're not Catholic then. Find a new thing. People do it all the time. There are tons of faiths out there, and mostly, they're pretty much the same crap.

This is not like politics where you can have a pro-choice Republican or a pro-war Democrat. It's not likely they'll be invited to the monthly weenie roast, but why not? It's fun, keeps the democracy thing on its toes. But this just in: Catholicism is a theocracy.

When I read or hear these outcries against certain religious tenets I cannot help but consider the source for the 9/11 disaster. It was the failure of this country's leaders to see the lunacy of fundamentalism, in this case Islamic. This is not unlike the voting public failing to see that their president is a religious fanatic - if he really believes this nonsense, of which I'm not totally convinced. But let's just say George W. Bush really believes Jesus Christ told him that God wants us to free Iraq. I'm pretty sure he's said this in major magazines, but maybe I was drunk. What now, tootie?

You see, we are so anesthetized to the rhythmic din of faith as mania we hardly notice when people leaping around in burkas in the middle of nowhere leads to crashing planes into our buildings. But it's real. And that's when things must be debated or, in some sober cases, bombed into oblivion. With the Catholics, it's basically; they don't go in for the gay/condom/woman deacon thing. And, really, who believes young boys claiming they've been violated?

I blame the Pope for none of it, especially John Paul II. He was The Man. Jeez, he had the two names that reek of Christianity - St. John, the guy responsible for all those signs at football games, and St. Paul, the guy responsible, let's face it, for the football games. The Pope represented the dogma to the end. He did his job, for which you cannot make the same assessment on about two-thirds of this abysmal government of ours.

You don't like it, don't join, or get out! Suck it up! It's a religion. How would Major League Baseball like it if the commissioner one day decided that everyone should use tennis rackets and head directly to third base upon hitting safely? Or how do think the NRA would react if the new director made some kind of statement to the effect of "Guns are bad" on national television tomorrow? Hey, how about if the immigration department just let thousands of illegal aliens march over the border daily and the federal government granted them driver's licenses? Yeah, how'd you…

Oh, right.

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